life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
