She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
