my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
