I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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