god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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