I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
