i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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