So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
