I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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