So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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