i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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