Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
