I cannot find my penis.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
