Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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