I bet he comes in French.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
