batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
