Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
