Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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