Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
