You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
