and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
