Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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