Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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