after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Randomize
