apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
