that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
