Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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