I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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