Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
