don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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