I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
