Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
