its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
