If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
