i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
