I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
