Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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