Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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