I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
