My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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