Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
