Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize