ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
