If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
