i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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