we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
