My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
