I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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