When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
