I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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