I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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