dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
