Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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