I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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