So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
