i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i came on her dog
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
