4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
