I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
